Grundy's Pro-Gun Ways Dates Back to 1984

If there is one thing Grundy County likes better than their high school football it would be guns. While Grundy is mostly a white area and many still have that "old school' way of thinking towards minorities, no gun is a bad gun once you hit the top of that mountain (regardless of which one you go up to get here).

So why is that? Why does a county that has residents with more code names than G.I. Joe actually think they are indeed members of G.I. Joe? Does "Marshmallow" (no offense to anyone who has that name, I'm sure someone does) need an assault rifle? Why does everyone there think that it isn't alright just to keep their shotguns and pistols, but that it should be just fine and dandy if they decide they want to go to a flea market and buy a oozie if they feel like it? Do they really need one to save each other from one another? No. Do they really want to go and pump poor Bambi with so much lead you could use his nose for a pencil? No, I'm afraid that isn't it either.

We sent people undisclosed into the belly of the beast disguised as republicans and asked around about this gun issue. We expect some form of logical response when we asked random residents "Hey cuz, why you reckon we need these gun?". What we got was a unanimous response of people actually waiting for a war that they are sure is coming on American soil. They seem to have an idea that an unavoidable war will breakout and breakout soon right here in the good ol' U.S. of A. and ol' Cockroach and his pee shooter expects to dive in just like Chuck Norris did in Missing in Action. Oddly enough the wild idea they have for this didn't come from watching media or the Grundy favorite Fox News. It came from an action flick alright, just a different one that was released in 1984 called "Red Dawn".

You see before Patrick Swayze stopped Baby from being in the corner, he watched her get blown away by no good Russians after they invaded America in the film, Red Dawn. For Grundy County residents old enough to remember, this wasn't just fantasy, this was the blue print for what to do when this day surely came.

So the bottom line is, they love guns because they think they'll need them when the Russians, Koreans, Mexicans, Canadians, or American Blacks try to take over this country. The latter already has them in a panic due to what they see as a sure sign of the apocalypse by having a black man as President (He's actually HALF black AND white, but what have we said before about grey areas in Grundy?).

So regardless of how many senseless deaths happen from now until the cows come home in our country, Grundy County will ALWAYS uphold the right to own high powered guns that they or anyone else really don't need. We can save any logical explanation or idea of meeting pro-gun folks in the middle we have, they will hear none of it. They'll just keep on polishing up whatever firearms they have all while watching Duck Dynasty and waiting for the day those darn Russians parachute into their backyards so they can holler "YELLOW JACKETS!!" and fire away.

Grundy Residents Discover Netflix!

Finally, just three months after discovering the HDTV Grundy County residents have finally discovered the streaming service called Netflix. The discovery apparently came by accident as one resident with a very high standing with the local yocals discovered the app on their X-Box, that they still mistakenly refer to as "Nintendo". Once they cracked the idea that the service took a small fee to operate (a process that took at least a week no less), the resident who was still accustomed to fighting the pack of Grundy residents in each city that still tries to reserve the one and only copy of new movies at the local video stores was blown away by what they found. They were quoted as saying "Ga-lee! This ol' picture box had a machine on it that lets me watch thousands of them there movies and TV shows whenever I reckon I yont too". The situation was a quarantined situation until word broke out that starting June 1st this service would be made available free to people who own a Gold account on X-Box, IF they pay for the service. The news got out allegedly at a bingo gathering and quickly spread through the bars and parking lots as many of the locals decided to skip at least one six pack, bag of weed, or old antic to ensure they paid for the wacky TV service. Grundy is now gearing up for this monumental event with some already planning to finally ditch their old rabbit ear TVs for a brand spanking new HDTV. The beer joints and the Lockhart ran liquor store are predicted to take a hit.

The massive effects of this odd service has also caused a panic to the local video store owners. The owner of Altamont's Walker's has already scaled back on his movies by a large percentage (now leaving about three rolls to pick from instead of 6) to make more room for their restaurant. Meanwhile in Tracy City, Harold, of Harold's Satellite and Video seems to be taking this news the hardest. The streaming service isn't the only thing he wasn't aware of. He was also shocked to hear about Blu-rays when we sent one of our representatives out to speak with him. He was quoted as saying "So that's why nobody rents all these VHS anymore?".

Will this lead to a new day and age in the area of Grundy? They finally found Netflix. Add that to them finally ridding the area of dial up internet three years ago and you never know what great direction the place could be going in next. You never really know with Grundy. They may even figure out that when they travel out of town that those big red boxes outside stores with pictures of movies on them isn't some wacky type of "Coke machine".

The Wise Old Man of Palmer

You can see a lot of things in any part of Grundy while walking in the woods at night. There is enough there that you certainly shouldn't be walking in any part of the woods up there at night. Any midnight stroll could end with you face to face with a drunk, a geeker, some girl cheating on her significant other (be it that USUALLY at least happens in the backseat of some parked car sitting out in the middle of nowhere or at best a parts store or Piggly Wiggly parking lot), or in a worse case scenario face to barrel with someone because you stumbled upon their meth lab or pot patch. Still, I've heard stories of something else you could run into in the woods of Palmer if the setting is right. I won't call him human because "he" certainly doesn't sound human, but apparently there is a "Wise Old Man" who haunts (for lack of  a better term) the woods of the Palmer area. IF true you probably shouldn't want no part of this "man" anyway, but if you insist upon it apparently this is the rules..

* You MUST wait until a full moon and the full moon has to be visible
* You also MUST go alone
* It has to be midnight 
* You MUST go into the woods in any wooded part of Palmer (Meaning parking your truck at the Palmer Market or ball field won't cut it)
* No flashlight, phone, candle, ect. At midnight you have to let the moon be your only light

Going by second and third hand information following these steps will result in your lonely dark midnight stroll being interrupted by an old man who will seemingly appear out of nowhere and greet you with a friendly "Howdy". If you say "Hello" or "Howdy" back or greet him in anyway you'd deem appropriate this old man of sorts will just walk on his way and vanish back into whatever dark abyss he came from. However, if you reply to his "Howdy" with "Are you the one with the answers?" this being will stop and then proceed to inform you that he is the ONE with the answers and you now get to ask TWO questions. He will of course answer these questions honestly so it's best not  to ask any scary questions that might have answers that scare you and it is a must that you don't under any circumstances get wise with this man or do anything to make him think you are being cute with him or taking the whole thing as a joke. I've been told the results of this could be fatal.

From what I've heard people who follow the rules usually get through this odd ordeal without issue and most the time from what I hear they tend to ask dumb questions like "Does so and so like me?", "Will the football team win the state championship? (the answer is always no, so don't waste one on that), and "Where is the best place to fish" ect. Sadly, nobody thinks to ask the lotto numbers, the cure for cancer, or anything of value, but keep in mind this IS Palmer and Grundy people here in general we're dealing with. We also can't rule out the possibility that people who have ran into this "wise old man" just ran into a drunk in the dark who thinks he has all the answers.

Following the rules and at least being respectful to whatever this is, if true, seems to be the key. IF any of this tale is true then you have to wonder about anyone over the years that ever did vanish. Maybe they saw the old man and even worse, maybe they actually didn't follow the rules.

By the way, the new full moon is June 13th.

The Grundy Memorial Day "U.F.O."

Most Grundy County people are "simple". Things are either right or wrong, black or white, and there isn't any grey area in between for discussion. If people outside Grundy openly know this, then you can assume people or THINGS outside the visual limits of humans would also be aware of this as well. To most, Grundy County is the lowest common denominator. If country folks in general have very little credit to the media, then where do you think Grundy Country inhabitants rank?

So, if you were some THING that wanted to fly around in the sky undetected and wanted to make sure that in the case you were seen the source would absolutely have no creditability, wouldn't you want to fly around in the Grundy County sky? On a weekend where 98% of it's population is drunk or on drugs no less!

Yesterday, Memorial Day 2014, residents of Grundy reported seeing a flying object in the night sky. One local resident reported seeing this flying object as flying very low with a HUGE headlight on the front (being sure to state the front because the term "HEADlight" might be lost on most even the witness), white clear lights on the tail and front, red lights on one wing and green on the other. They also said it made very little noise and I'm assuming no reindeer or a red glowing light out in the lead of the HUGE headlight (which is in the front) was spotted, thus ruling out Santa.

What was this flying object? Who knows. It COULD have been an aircraft of some sort, or it COULD have been something else. To something else I suggest you keep flying, my friend. Regardless if something else was on the level of E.T. or on the level of Aliens, unless you are buckshot proof don't land in Grundy. Recall I said things are one way or another without room for discussion? The general rule is shoot first and pose beside it for a photo in the Herald later.